Long drives

I had a long drive back from a family party up in Clinton. It was one of the times when I prayed sincerely enough to feel some peace. I told Heavenly Father how grateful I am to have had Gordon B. Hinkley as a prophet for so long. I’ll miss him, but this is a year of change for me.

It’s interesting to thoroughly contemplate my life and all it is that can make me sad or happy. Happiness often results in a positive choice which pushes me further towards my goals. An example would be quitting soda, eating right, working out, behaving in a manner that makes me worthy to have the spirit, actively dating and pursuing marriage. These kinds of things make me happy. Being lazy and avoiding them does not, it really just worries me.

I am stressed about dating above all else. More or less I am just terrified of being hurt as I have in the past so many times before. Despite this fear I am trying to keep at it and see where things go. It gives me confidence sometimes and not so much other times. But even when I’m worried I have the comfort of knowing that I am doing what I should to pursue certain goals, even if they terrify me.

I have these silly defense mechanisms I use to avoid feeling hurt. For example while I do enjoy being a bachelor I am not as in love with it as I often claim to be. I am just not able to fix this on my own and have had no luck at all in doing so with others, so I pretend I love where I am at, even if I do not. It’s easier to do so then to cry about my place in life at the moment.

When I get married I will probably look back on this moment fondly, but not in such a way that would make you think I wanted it back. I’m sure there will be moments when things will be tough and I’ll miss being on my own, but that would only be in a lowly state and they never last long.

Stumbling blocks are everywhere I found out this last week, but they are not the cliffs that we often make them out to be. I know that now.