Holding on

Dating is tough, and anybody that says otherwise should be shot. You have probably gathered what has happened from the prior entry. It seems like every rejection is exponential and all those before it seem to hurt right along with it. You think to yourself “why doesn’t anybody want me.” Then you relive all the past rejections to one degree or another and feel like there is no hope of you finding anybody.

The pain of all that rejection lingers on. It’s in every waking thought, almost haunting you. It’s one of those things that make it hard to sleep because you know you’ll wake up at some point and remember it. It’s like having a dream where you dream you are rich and then waking up and remembering you are poor. The pain is the worst thing. In my life when I have really liked a girl and hoped things would go well and have been turned down it is the worst feeling in the world. Hope has a tendency to plan things out for us in our minds and when we lose it all our plans come tumbling down with it and we can feel lost as to where to go next.

So what do you do with the pain? I’ll tell you what I do, but it’s not healthy. I hold on to it like it’s a life preserver and my ship has just gone down. I thought about this and realized that somewhere in the back of my head I must think the pain is a good thing. I must think holding on to that pain will help me keep myself from getting hurt again. If I hold on tight enough I’ll never let anybody hurt me again, it’s brilliant! The only problem is that while you may not get hurt again you’ll never really have the chance to get hurt either. If you hold on to it you’ll never let anybody in which means you’ll really never have the chance to love again. I realized this the other night and prayed for help letting it go. I prayed with what little faith I have in the atonement that the pain could be taken away and replaced with hope and the determination to go on.

I went to bed and woke up feeling better, so for me it worked. I still think about the pain of all of that but make a conscious effort not to hold on to it because I know it will do me no good.