Days like this

It's interesting just how rough some days can be, and yet sometimes we just don't know why. I had a really sad day and it's hard to know exactly why. There's so much more to it the then hollowed out words I'm trying my best to carve into something here. Life is just overwhelming sometimes. I know I need to be something better then what I am and yet I'm not quite sure how to do that. It's like trying to build a castle with no stone. In reality there's stone and it just has to be cut, but sometimes it's hard to see the quarries in our life.

I find that it's hard to find the motivation to do things in my life sometimes. It's hard to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I think most of the time I do things cause I have to. That's not always the case though. I don't work out cause I have to, I do that to get in shape. I don't play ultimate Frisbee to survive, I do that cause I want to excel at something.

The other day I went to play Frisbee and I was thinking about the things I wanted to set as a standard for my life. I thought of my uncle lying in his bed still recovering from some major surgery. I was able to go and see him two weeks ago and talk with him. I have always enjoyed talking with him. I realized just how much I love him as I thought about that and realized that I’m full of love for my family. It’s just that all that love is hard for me to deal with because it hurts. I mean all the people I love are in a sense some place else. I go through days and days at a time without talking to or seeing them. That’s mostly because I’m single and don’t live with the #1 love of my life yet. I hope that changes soon but it’s hard to go see Bob and Lindy and the two cutest nieces ever and then have to leave them a few short hours later. It’s like living through heartbreak every time I leave them.

I feel that way every time I leave someone in my family. So if I love them so much it hurts then what is my motivation? Why am I here pondering where I want to be in life? I just want that love to surround me, and that means a family.

Having a family is a complicated thing, it’s not just about finding a girl who will marry you, it’s about providing for that family financially, spiritually, and emotionally. I think I can do the last two well, my confidence fails at the first task however. Come hell or high water I’ll figure it out, because I am full to the brim when I’m with my family, so much so that it hurts when I leave them and come back down to my regular every day life.

Maybe it’s not so much that I’m more sad then normal today as it is that I’m noticing things more. Now I’m not depressed by any means, I’m just saying maybe I’m noticing what I have (or don't have) more then I would normally. I don’t have a whole lot to show for my life up to this point. I mean there are a lot of things that I can’t put on a resume that I can take pride in. For example my dad is one of my best friends and that has to do with my efforts on our relationship. The same thing can be said of my mother. I have had the foresight to make efforts to spend time with both of them so that one day when they’re gone I’ll have no regrets, merely a heart full of love and gratitude for the time I was able to spend with them. I think at their funeral someday I’ll feel the same way I do whenever I leave them now. Love and reverence for the blessing that they are in my life.

Why was I sad again? I have so much to be happy about.