What Monday brings

I've been looking for change ever since I was in San Antonio. It was at that time that I came to terms with the fact that I was not going to marry Hilarie. It was on the trip home that I realized I was ok with that, and in some ways happy about it. It's better not to marry the wrong person than it is to be single.

Since then I have struggled a bit with my complacent old ways and the person I want to become. It's a lot of little things really. Lately I've been embracing the change by eating better and working out. I have been kicking my own ass in these work outs, and it feels great.

I met a girl the other night. I'm not sure how to explain how she impacted me exactly. She is definitely beautiful, but there was something else about her that I saw glimpses of that, more than anything else, made me want to get to know her better. Unfortunately this is one thing that has not changed, I'm still pretty chicken with girls. Thoughts of her kept me up that night. She isn't the first girl who has kept me up like that, she's just the first one to do so in this way in a very long time.

It's funny to think with all the romantic ups and downs I've had I can still feel as though I might have a crush. It's discouraging in some ways because I feel like a helpless kid. I remember my first real heart break and if I dwell enough I remember the pain very vividly. I've had quite a few since then. On the flip side having those feelings is also encouraging because it means I'm still out there with my hopes. It's good to never let go of those.

I had a dream last night that I bumped into my high school crush. It was random to see her and she barely acknowledged me, while I on the other hand hoped to have a conversation with her. I don't think it's so much who she is as what she represents. Maybe she is love and I'm sitting around waiting for her to come talk to me when I should be going to her and sparking up a conversation.

I had a thought tonight about the easy road versus the hard road. I have this gut that I would like to get rid off. I thought about how some people would pay money to have it sucked off them. I think that I would rather work it off so that when I finally have it gone I can respect the work it took to get it off. Maybe love is the same way. If it falls into my lap is it really what I wanted? Maybe in order to get the girl of my dreams I have to change so that we'll be compatible. It's a hard thing to think about but it's probably true.

I think that's my biggest motivation for the change right now. I just wanna be more like the girl I know I want to be with. I know what I want her to be like and what I don't want her to be like. If I've gained nothing else from the last few years then I know more than ever who I am and what kind of a girl I want to be with. If I get much older and hold out much longer some might say I'm too picky, but that's not true. I just know who I can live with and who I can't. That's what the break up with Hilarie came down too. I knew I would be miserable with her. That's the reason I was happy it ended, I just knew it was the right choice.

So I'm pushing forward with these changes. I'm very hopeful for the future and hope that I can make some opportunities happen for me.