No spare tire

I didn't want to come home tonight. I have realized something recently that makes me pretty sad. I haven't had a real best friend in a good year or two, and even then we didn't do all that much together. I always pictured a best friend as the kind of person that was just always there. I shouldn't say always there. They wouldn't always be there but they'd come over any time they want. They wouldn't have to announce it. Dan's pretty much that person at the moment but the best best friends I've had were always the girls I felt like I could just tell everything to.

I think of all the best friends I've had over the years. Allen in elementary school, Jeff and Woody in middle school. Then Chad in high school. Chad is a cool kid, I can still talk to him to this day even though we're very different and still relate. I moved on to girl best friends in college, Lacie and Debbie. At any rate everybody moves on and they have.

I looked in my trunk the other day and realized I had no spare. I put on my donut a few months ago when I got a flat and they never put it back when I got a new tire on. It freaks me out cause one flat means I'm hosed and have to pay for a tow truck. It kind of patterns a depressing train of thought I've had a lot in the last year or two. It all comes down to maintenance. Life is all about it. We have to go shopping for groceries when we run out, we have to pay our bills every week. I just worry that I'm not planning ahead too well. I don't have a spare tire for a flat. I don't have more food in the cupboard then I need for a week or two. I don't have a best friend.

I heard a line in a song that said "we're all one call away from being on our knees". I thought about what that call would be for me. You should too, it's not a bad thing to contemplate. I realized that the obvious answer was losing a loved one, especially a niece or nephew. I just love them to death. I then thought about who I would call if that happened ... that's the sad part, I couldn't think of anyone. It used to be Debbie, good or bad I just wanted to tell her about any news in my life.

I don't resent anybody or anything. People have just moved on is all. I have lots of good friends to like Jaci and Kellee. Heck they're probably the best friends I have right now. I just don't get out and hang out with them much, which is something I'm trying to fix. I just don't have anybody I feel like I can share my life with. In my lonely moments that's what I miss more then anything. I don't care about a lot of the other fluff that comes with relationships, I just wanna share myself with someone in a very emotional way. If that call came I just don't know who I'd call.

Everything has changed since my mom was in the hospital last year. There is a part of me that just can't go on. I'm trying my best to break out of the stupor I've been in though.

Tonight was really good. I didn't want to come home but planned on doing something fun. I ended up running an errand with Bryan and then going to dinner. We had a very cute and spunky waitress. I went out of my comfort zone and basically hit on her. She's getting a divorce so she's not up to it at the moment but was interested, so I was persistent and asked when I should come back. She said a few months or so. I'll probably swing back and ask for her in a few months. Even though I didn't get her phone number it felt good to try at least.

When I got home I realized I had the sad stuff in my head somewhere still and wanted to write it out. Overall it has been a nice successful day.