Haunted

I went into work late today. I had to get some car work done so I arranged to go in later. I had an hour to kill at the shop so I was reading news week or something like that. I read a thorough article about soldiers who serve several tours. It seemed to be a theme that most of them ended up divorced because of it. It basically just reaffirmed my choice to be single again.

Later I read a sad article about a family who lost a daughter/sister in a horrific car wreck. Apparently there were people with cameras when they pulled her mutilated body out of the car. The sick bastards put it on the internet and the father of the girl got an email with video of his own daughter's body in that horrible form, basically in pieces. The article was about their fight to get that video off the internet and of course the magazine didn't have any of those images. For some reason I couldn't get that it out of my head. I thought about my Uncle who died in a similar car wreck, and my friend Tanya's coworker two weeks ago as well.

It makes me sad to think of people, loved ones, dying in such a horrific manner. I haven't lost a family member since my uncle Kerry. My parents both pulled through some scary times in the last year. My mom was in and out of the hospital and a psyche ward last year. I almost lost it myself because I couldn't sleep because I'd constantly get calls with updates on how she was doing and when I wasn't getting calls I was nervous and couldn't relax because I thought the phone was going to ring any second. The only night I actually slept well is when I turned my phone off. I basically just shut myself out.

My dad had cancer but luckily went into remission as well. I think he was sad that I didn't come to the hospital much when he had to go in. After mom I just couldn't handle it. I think I disconnected something in order to cope back then. I'm not really sure if I'm ok or not some days. I just think I'm still hiding from things, from life maybe? I don't know.

Thinking of those people who lost their loved ones makes me really sad. I wonder how I'd feel if I lost any of my family or friends suddenly like that. I always revert to my nieces and nephews when I think of that and I know I'd be inconsolable.

Fortunately it hasn't happened. Contemplating it has been good though because it makes me realize a couple of things about myself. First is that I'm a sensitive person. When I see someone who has felt that kind of pain and I see why I can't help but feel some of that sadness too. I had to tell myself tonight that it wasn't my sadness to feel, it was theirs. The other thing is that I'm not really where I want to be in a few ways. Since I broke up with Hilarie I've been super annoyed with girls and church members and their ignorant way of expressing themselves. I won't say it has changed but I stopped going to church because of that. It's not like I stopped believing, it's just that I stopped caring. I'm pretty sure I just hid like I did last year.

At any rate I know it needs to be fixed, screw the people who piss me off. I won't go into it but I really disagree with how some people enforce their beliefs on themselves and others. But I'm to the point where I don't have a problem saying "screw you" to anybody that tries to tell me I should do something I don't think I should. I think that's a good thing, even at church it's better to say "you're an idiot and I disagree" then it is to be offended and stop coming.


On a different note I think I'm giving up on my predisposition that church girls won't like me cause I didn't serve a mission. I think that's mostly due to the fact that those are the girls I'd never want to marry anyways so if they think that then thank goodness! That simply means they're saving me the effort of having to deal with them in a relationship. :-D

Well that's the positive spin on this entry. I really am sick of being single, I've been ready to be done with it for a long time. It'd just be nice if I could even just connect with someone that I had potential with. At any rate either way I'm happy with myself so it's not like I cry myself to sleep at night. I'm doing good.