Thoughts fade

I started working a night shift today. It's a very interesting change. I'm not sure how I like it yet. I'm pretty sure I'm going to like it though. It gives me some time in the morning and it is quiet at work for most of my shift so I can really dig in and get some work done.

I was listening to my playlist today and my thoughts just went so many places. I wish I had been able to write them down just then. Now I'm listening to the same music and wish I could remember it all, but I really can't. I remember listening to the song that reminded me of when Mom was in and out of the hospital so much and for the first time it really didn't hurt. She's doing okay now.

I thought about a lot of stuff tonight. I talked to Mikayla about dating and some other deep stuff. It was an interesting conversation, and yet I feel like I can't just say what I think and really feel like I expressed who I am.

I had another conversation with one of my friends about how we both feel like we're lacking someone we can tell anything and everything to. I've had a few people I could talk to about anything in my life, but none for a long time. I could talk to Laura about anything, I wish I had someone like that now. I wouldn't say I'm lonely, I'm content quite frankly. It's just something I miss.

I'm starting to feel old. I don't mean that in the sense that I'm planning on retiring any time soon. I just mean that I feel like I'm well past the age of innocence. I'm to the point where many of the decisions I face in life have roots in past mistakes or successes. It's almost a feeling of wisdom, I don't know how else to describe it. I feel like I have some secret knowledge that a lot of my younger friends are lacking. That's not to say that they're dumb by any means. It's a very interesting feeling.


Right now I am listening to lightning crashes by Live. It reminds me of a crush I had when I was 15, on a girl I met once and never saw again. I had some naive ideas about love back then. I think since then I've let go of some beautiful concepts as well as many silly ones. It's interesting that I haven't really had a crush in a few years. I've certainly liked people but nothing I'd say is a crush. It's kind of sad in a way really. It's almost like I feel like it's better to just avoid it. I mean there are plenty of girls I consider to be very cute, but not so many I think of as girls I could be with. I wonder sometimes if I don't just talk myself out of liking them to avoid the drama that comes.