Blah

It’s a feeling I’m having right now, and I call it blah. I didn’t feel like working today. I am playing hookie, which is something I’ve been doing too much recently. I figure I either need to stop or find a new job. I’m going to keep my eyes out for a new one I think. Probably not today though, I can do that later. I know that sounds distinctly like procrastination but it’s not, and I’ll explain why later.

I am having one of those days when I know I could use it for this or for that but I’m just emotionally blah right now and have no idea what I want to do with myself. I’ve had a good day thus far. I read my scriptures, worked out, then had breakfast. It’s a temptation to blow the rest of my day playing video games or something silly like that. I’ve decided to try and write a little instead and then hang out with Kelsey and Ryan. I’m thinking I might treat them to lunch or a movie or something.

I had to help my uncle take his uhaul back yesterday. On the way there I saw somebody pull a U turn. It’s silly how the littlest things can get you to thinking, but that U turn got me thinking. U turns are interesting when you think about it. You’re headed somewhere and you realize that you’re going the complete opposite direction you should be and have to turn completely around. Sometimes we don’t realize it and just keep on going until we realize we’re completely lost and then try the 180 degree U turn. Life is full of fun challenges and choices. I’m the kind of person who freezes when I have too many choices, it seriously just freaks me out. However when the time comes that we realize we may be lost and on the wrong path the U turn is always an option. It’s one of those things that we should never hesitate to do when we know we’ve lost site of our destination.

I am just staring at the screen hoping I have something insightful or enlightening to say. I don’t know that I do really, but it’s my goal to have something worth reading when I sit down to write a blog entry. This one is blah because I feel blah, and I apologize for that. Life is tough, for some reason the last few days have been hard on me. I have no real good reason for it, but I’m feeling kind of blue. I don’t know why life is like that sometimes. I watched part of the churchwide leadership meeting last night and they quoted someone who said to have ultimate joy you have to have the sorrow too. It makes sense that you can’t understand why you’d be happy with say a wife and family if you were never without them. I mean all these silly bachelor years are the dark contrast to the light side of things that are inevitably on their way. So a couple of tough days should just strengthen my hopes and desires that better things are waiting for me. Now I just need to go get them!

I decided to update this entry while I was driving and feeling depressed. I was trying my hardest to think about why I would be depressed. It is the kind of gloom that is so thick it feels like nothing can fix it. It’s silly when you won’t let yourself be happy. I realized it all comes down to fear. I just feel inadequate. I want to be married but don’t feel good enough for the girls I date, or the kids I’m going to have. I don’t feel like I could provide for them. It all adds up to fear and feelings of inadequacy. I let everything add up and overwhelm me and then I forget it and let myself get distracted because it’s easier to distract myself then deal with everything all at once. I totally throw faith out the window, which is quite sad. The general authorities have said it before and they’ll said it again, particularly Elder Holland. There have always been worries, and there will always be worries. I just need to press forward with faith and do my best. I need to realize I’m a son of God and that he loves me, and I’ll be ok when I start my family. I’m sure plenty of married men and women with kids feel inadequate too. Fear can’t rule your life if you don’t let it, I probably have to some degree lately.