Another scenic drive

I took another scenic drive home from work today. It was more of an emotionally scenic drive. I realize that my fundamental problem lately has come down to one thing, I don’t like myself. However the drive home was good for me in that regard. I had a dream with a friend from middle school, someone I haven’t seen or talked to in years, Jeff. I thought about that dream as I backtracked down a road I used to drive quite often, a road which ironically had nothing to do with him.

When I picture or imagine someone judging me it is in the voice of and with the face of Jeff’s dad. He’s just the epitome of a judgmental person. I know that to this day if I ran into him or my older brother who was friends with Jeff’s older brother he probably wouldn’t receive us well. At any rate it has been more then 10 years since I’ve even really seen Jeff, he was always a good kid himself. In fact probably the best kid in his whole family from what I’ve seen.

When I thought about how I would be judged for my life I thought about my dad and how judgmental some people can be of his situation. I realized that the single most consistent thing in my life that gives me confidence is the relationship I’ve built with my dad. It’s pretty complicated but I’ll just say that it took a lot of work on my part to make it as special as it is. It’s something I’m proud of, and I know that it never would have happened if it had not been for my patriarchal blessing where I was told to honor my parents. It was my understanding after attempting to understand this better that I was to be something special for my dad and hind sight has proven the wisdom of my choice.

This all comes back to me not feeling so good about myself. Having had some time to contemplate this in contrast to my mistakes and the people I’ve hurt along the way I think the good by far out weighs any wrong done. That’s not to say it fixes everything, but I just think about how much worse off I’d be if I didn’t have that.

I feel pretty good right now. Weird how a nice long drive can wake me up to things.