My dramatic need

Wow, what am I going to do with myself? That seems to be the theme of my life right now. What am I going to do with myself? I don't know. I hate that! I mean it totally sucks not knowing what to do. I've got several frustrations in my life right now. Dating is frustrating, albeit not as much as normal, meaning I have some prospects. This is good as I normally have absolutely no prospects whatsoever, (yay for me). Financially my life is pretty damn grim too. I start a 2nd job part time (once a week) tomorrow. That will help, but it's only a tiny step.

I'll bet most of you have a bunch of great answers for these problems of mine. Probably something simple too. It's funny how I struggle with some very simple things. It drives me crazy, and I don't know if it is my own doing or one of those screwed up things from my childhood. It's hard to say, I wish I knew where it came from so I could fix it. I don't want to go back in the past and point fingers at anybody, the fact of the matter is pointing fingers won't fix the problem.

I have studied about how to write screen plays and the author (Syd Field) says that you have to know your characters dramatic need. To be a good writer you have to see their need and then create opposition to it. See I know what my dramatic need is. I want to have a family of my own. That means dating, getting a decent job, which probably means going to school. Feeling spiritually and emotionally ready. To me it's a complicated process because I really want to be prepared for my family. I think that a lot of people see it simply as a matter of finding the right person, and that's one of the hardest steps it's true, especially when you feel all kinds of messed up inside. I just think there's so much to do right now for me to prepare to be the best husband and father that I can be. I just want to be ready, I don't want to get married and hurt the people I love because I'm not ready. I think I might have a huge fear of marriage because I'm afraid I'm not good enough.

So there you have it, my dramatic need. A family of my own.