Does anything ever make sense?

Get ready for some serious rambling. I have a lot of stuff on my head. I have this underlying feeling this week, and I can't quite put my finger on what it is. I'm thinking it's some kind of sadness or depression. I've been complacent for a long time now, and I've finally gotten to the point where I'm ready to make changes in my life. This means I'll be dating (actually trying), getting a new job, and doing whatever I can to make life better. You'd think this would feel good and it would be an ongoing task, but I got very comfortable in my life. I think I got so comfortable that failure was inevitable on all fronts. I think I've been self destructing on all fronts because a huge part of me didn't want things to change.

So this whole week I've felt sad. I'm not completely sure why though. I think that maybe I'm sad because while I know things will be better, in a lot of ways this has been a good phase in my life. I just held that baby niece of mine and knew everything had to change. My goal is my family, and I can't have a family if I don't date, don't get a decent career and don't start having some faith in myself in general.

All this time I've thought I was afraid of success more then failure, so I self destruct a lot. I wonder if failure is just more comfortable to me. I just don't know how to succeed, but failure is as easy as simply not trying at all right? "The first step to failure is trying." -Homer Simpson. What a lousy philosophy on life! The worse thing is that I think I've been living it that way. I mean there are worse things that could happen, but it's still kind of sad. There are times when I feel like I can do some amazing things, but other times I just feel hopeless so I just climb back into the comfortable hole of complacency.

I just want you all to know that I'm trying my very best at this point on all fronts, but it's slow going since I'm not totally sure how to proceed. I feel like I'm at war and I'm advancing on all fronts but without any particular strategy except to move forward and hope for the best. Seriously, I feel like I'm in the dark here, but despite that I'm going to keep on moving forward. I think that's the right attitude, so I'm sure I'll be ok. Right now though I just feel confused about the whole thing.