Where in the hell did it go?

Be prepared to be depressed. You have been warned. Sorry but lately I am just lost in a lot of ways. I keep on thinking I know where I'm going but then I am never really quite sure. When it comes to dating I have no hope whatsoever.

I don't know if you all know but a lot of times I get paralyzed emotionally and I have no idea what to do, and even if I did how would I do it. It sounds stupid, but I am just all locked up inside because I see what I could do but I see how that has worked in the past and since nothing ever works out for me I just don't bother. I don't have much that is worth waking up in the morning for anymore. Of course the things I want the most are the things that are the farthest from where I'm at. I mean dating certainly isn't working out for me, neither is my current financial situation.

I don’t think most people can understand this paralyzed feeling. I don’t know if my brothers went through it or not but I am and it holds me back. I’m still trying but I don’t know what to do. I have no hope at all that anything better is in my future. I’m starting to seriously wonder if there is something really wrong with me. I just wonder if my brothers have the same problem. I really don’t think they did because they are obviously moving forward in life without the same problems. They’re all married doing ok in school or work and have (or are expecting) kids. I can’t relate to any of that. Sure that’s what I want but hell if I know what to do. It sounds stupid, you’re probably like “duh just go out and get it done.” Yeah, you’d think so wouldn’t you? I don’t know how else to explain it other then being paralyzed and not having a clue what to do. I’m just here, that’s all. No hope, nothing.